I run my life, or is it running me, I run from my past, I run too fast, or too slow it seems

I've been kinda slacking on updating this. It seems that with myspace, facebook, twitter, etc. this is put on the backburner until I feel the need to just write. To just write something and get it off of my chest. Whether or not anyone reads it, I'm getting it out of my head.

I have lost over 30 pounds on weight watchers. My self confidence has already improved and I have so much farther to go. My clothes are looser, I have gone down sizes, and I just feel better about myself. This has done wonders on my attitude. The bad days don't come as often anymore.

Unfortunately, today is one of those slightly bad days. I know part of it is the fact that I'm dreading going back to work tomorrow. It's always that way after vacation. I miss my kids and am ready to go see them. It's the paperwork, dealing with the higher ups, etc. that I'm dreading. If it was just going and spending time with the kids, it would be great. That being said, I'm sure it will be okay. I also start back to class tomorrow night. Not really looking forward to it either. Only 7 more weeks of class and 9 more weeks of work until summer, though. Even though I'm taking classes this summer, it will be nice to have a little break.

Regardless, I'm in one of those moods where I'm just overthinking things. I am still jealous that I missed seeing Zoe doing all of the firsts in California. And I'm jealous of the closeness that probably developed between everyone that went. I know jealousy gets me nowhere. And I know it will pass eventually. It's not easy to just make it go away, though.

Sometimes I just get this feeling like I am missing out on things. I feel left out when people do things without me. I feel jealous that some of my friends are together in Stillwater and that they get to do things together. I know that's stupid because Joel and I get to do things here without them, too. I feel jealous that my sisters went to church together today. And that's really stupid because I am so happy they have found a place that they love as much as I love my church. I had lonely feelings when we were on vacation together because both of my sisters have found this happiness that I am so desperately wanting.

I feel inferior as a teacher when I'm around those who are so much more creative and better at teaching than I am. I love my job and I know I am good at it...but I'm not as good as others. I feel the same way in class. I enjoy learning new things, but it takes me awhile to get some of them. I am not just naturally really smart. It takes a lot of work for me to do well.

I try not to get stressed out. My preacher preached about worry today. The thing that hit me the hardest is when he said, "If you think about it, by worrying you are showing a lack of trust in God." It is so true, yet I do it anyway. I am going to work on it. I love it when a sermon gets me thinking and motivated. I just hope I can take the lesson and apply it to my life.

Taking over my life

I have been doing Weight Watchers for about a month, and as of yesterday, I've lost 15.6 pounds. I am finally taking over my life. I'm tired of being fat, so I'm doing something about it. And it feels good. Now if I could just get the exercise thing going, I'd be doing a lot better.

The Future

As much work that I've put into school, getting a job, and pursuing my Master's, and there's really only 2 things I want for my future. I want to be a wife and I want to be a mother. And I'm scared to death that I might not get the opportunity to do either. As much as a try, I can't be okay with being single and alone. I want to finally belong.

Confusion

My heart aches for the people who are hurting right now. I know a lot of it was self inflicted, but I can't help but care. We were all supposed to be too close for something like this to happen. People were jealous of us. They wanted to be a part of it, but they couldn't. Now it's falling apart. I know people grow up...but why do they have to grow apart? I feel like things might never be the same again. That scares me. I don't like change. I like things to stay safe and familiar.