Sunday, March 22, 2009

I run my life, or is it running me, I run from my past, I run too fast, or too slow it seems

I've been kinda slacking on updating this. It seems that with myspace, facebook, twitter, etc. this is put on the backburner until I feel the need to just write. To just write something and get it off of my chest. Whether or not anyone reads it, I'm getting it out of my head.

I have lost over 30 pounds on weight watchers. My self confidence has already improved and I have so much farther to go. My clothes are looser, I have gone down sizes, and I just feel better about myself. This has done wonders on my attitude. The bad days don't come as often anymore.

Unfortunately, today is one of those slightly bad days. I know part of it is the fact that I'm dreading going back to work tomorrow. It's always that way after vacation. I miss my kids and am ready to go see them. It's the paperwork, dealing with the higher ups, etc. that I'm dreading. If it was just going and spending time with the kids, it would be great. That being said, I'm sure it will be okay. I also start back to class tomorrow night. Not really looking forward to it either. Only 7 more weeks of class and 9 more weeks of work until summer, though. Even though I'm taking classes this summer, it will be nice to have a little break.

Regardless, I'm in one of those moods where I'm just overthinking things. I am still jealous that I missed seeing Zoe doing all of the firsts in California. And I'm jealous of the closeness that probably developed between everyone that went. I know jealousy gets me nowhere. And I know it will pass eventually. It's not easy to just make it go away, though.

Sometimes I just get this feeling like I am missing out on things. I feel left out when people do things without me. I feel jealous that some of my friends are together in Stillwater and that they get to do things together. I know that's stupid because Joel and I get to do things here without them, too. I feel jealous that my sisters went to church together today. And that's really stupid because I am so happy they have found a place that they love as much as I love my church. I had lonely feelings when we were on vacation together because both of my sisters have found this happiness that I am so desperately wanting.

I feel inferior as a teacher when I'm around those who are so much more creative and better at teaching than I am. I love my job and I know I am good at it...but I'm not as good as others. I feel the same way in class. I enjoy learning new things, but it takes me awhile to get some of them. I am not just naturally really smart. It takes a lot of work for me to do well.

I try not to get stressed out. My preacher preached about worry today. The thing that hit me the hardest is when he said, "If you think about it, by worrying you are showing a lack of trust in God." It is so true, yet I do it anyway. I am going to work on it. I love it when a sermon gets me thinking and motivated. I just hope I can take the lesson and apply it to my life.


  1. I had to tell myself that over and over...worry and fear is the lack of trust in God. There have been days when I literally felt like the devil was screaming in my face, and the only thing I could do was scream back! Ask Jacob, he'll tell you I will scream at the devil to get out of my face and get out of my life!
    I'm so proud of you for sticking to the weight watchers. Hopefully after Lexi is born I'll be able to find something I can stick to also, because I know that's part of my insulin issue.
    That's part of the reason I cried when Zoe left, because I knew I was going to miss out on so much! So much that I wanted to be a part of! But, now we'll have Lexi, and we can take her to fun places...even if it is just Branson or OKC!
    Sometimes I'm jealous of the bond that you and grandma have because you go to church together every week. But, that's not what matters. What matters is that we're all going somewhere that we love!
    You will find happiness! I pray for you every day! Because I feel guilty that I have something that you don't have. And it's not just you, I pray the same for Adam, James, Zach. You all deserve to have what I have. But, I don't know how to give it to you! I don't know how to bring it here.
    You are naturally smart! You are underestimating yourself! Maybe you're not as good as some of the other teachers, but you're young! You're taking new classes to learn more things so that you can become the best that you can be! You're not inferior to them unless you let yourself be inferior to them! I love you!

  2. I second everything that Danielle said.